I am Gwyneth Paltrow’s Oscar.
I reside in the back cabinet of a London pantry,
where Mrs. Tean used to keep the bric-a-brac.
I stand beside the purple font,
between a Marshall amplifier and a milk crate.
My owner’s things are mingled
with her spouses’ things,
a very untidy business.
Shelly Winter’s Oscars
were kept clean,
and given a place of honour
on a marble pedestal in the solarium.
Anthony Franciosa
used to call up and sing Moon River over the telephone
and Shirley’d hold the receiver away from her ear
so the statuettes could hear too.
Times have changed.
I heard that Javier Bardem
has his award welded to the top
of an urn in the back garden
where it must weather,
in sunshine or rain.
One would think
the only thing worse
than being left out of doors
every day, all day,
would be that one
actually had to remain in Barcelona, indefinitely.
Elizabeth Taylor kept Prince and Sheik in a vault
at the Home Savings and Loan Bldg.
on the corner of Sunset and Vine.
She visited them regularly
throughout the 1960’s,
with each new beau,
entering a deux through the front doors
and whisking up the grand staircase
to her private observation room.
La Liz’s Oscar was kept in excellent condition,
famously well oiled, if you gather my meaning.
Joan Crawford had hers removed
to her Bel Air pool house
when she imagined it was carrying fungal disease.
As well, is Oliver Stone’s award, given away
to the Minnesota State Preservation Society
after he thought it emitted bad vibes.
He said if any one could finally deal
with a strange little yellow man,
it should be the Scandinavians.
And then there is Sophia —
It was discovered by her physician
that the reason she was covered in hives
one notoriously humid summer in Roma,
was because she’d had
an allergic reaction to metal.
She’d been sleeping with it, the darling !
Her Oscar now stays
with a niece of Anna Magnani
because Miss Loren couldn’t bear
to be in the house with it
unless it was right next to her at all times.
As for me, I’ll be glad when
they figure out what to do about points
on alternative media outlets. Those actors
work too hard to get bupkiss on streaming venues.