It has come to our attention that free-range chickens
when left to their own devices, waste their freedom.
They do not frolic like lambs or roll in the mud like pigs.
Chickens are too busy pecking the dirt
and clucking at each other with a generally
disgruntled air. Like terrorists
chickens appear to hate freedom. They don't understand
its price so spend most of their time huddled together
near any shelter they can find.
It is for this reason we feel it is in the best interest
of chickens and their psychological wellbeing
to redefine "free-range" to mean a 3x3 square of ground
for each chicken, which, quite frankly,
is more than most chickens can even fathom.
We have come to understand that chickens prefer boundaries
and feel safest when the depth of the range
is between two and three feet.
We are currently studying the effects of placing each chicken
in its own three-foot stackable cube and believe
based on our current findings, that these domesticated fowl
will be quite happy that way since they rarely look up
at the sky.