Revenge Poem #1
when i said “i’m happy to see you!”
i meant, “you seem somewhat intelligent and funny,”
not “you’re really hot.”
actually, you’re shorter than me and quite a bit older,
but you got confused anyway.

Revenge Poem #2
when i said “you don’t know me,”
i meant, “and you’re not going to.”
actually, i was thinking you knew me as much as i wanted you to already.

Revenge Poem #3
when i said “i don’t believe in past lives,”
i meant “i’m never going to believe in past lives,
repressed memories, ufo’s, astrology, est or homeopathic medicine.
i believe disassociative personalities can be dangerous
and mercury is poison, no matter how little you eat.”
actually, that was the first time i realized i didn’t like you.

Revenge Poem #4
when you made a sexually suggestive joke about me in front of my daughter,
afterward on the drive back in the car she asked me who you were.
i told her you were nobody,
just some guy who wanted to date me, but i was avoiding.
she said, “good job, mommy. keep it up.”

Revenge Poem #5
i had an unfinished story about a man who raped me a long time ago.
after you started calling four times a day and emailing me and eaves dropping on my conversations and ignoring my requests to leave me alone and writing erotic poetry about me and messing with me, i got the inspiration to finish that story.
yesterday i sent it off to a feminist journal for publication.
you shouldn’t be proud of that,
whether you were raped in one of your past lives or not.

Revenge Poem #6
when i said, “i want you to leave me alone,”
i meant, “i want you to leave me alone,”

Revenge Poem #7
when you said, “we have to talk about this. you never talk to me. you never return my emails,”
and i said, “i’m like one of those houses in the california hills. i have to keep the brush cleared away for fire safety, for defensible space.”
what i actually meant was, “get used to it.”

Revenge Poem #8
none of these revenge poems is supposed to be funny.

Revenge Poem #9
when i dragged my bad-boy, tattooed, latino boyfriend
to his first-ever poetry reading last week,
what i meant was, “leave me alone, and i really mean it.
i’m getting tired of seeing you everywhere i go. don’t you ever rest?”
actually, i’m starting to understand why he has scary looking tattoos.

Revenge Poem #10
whenever i go someplace and you’re not there,
i don’t get a break, because people talk about you.
what i actually mean is,
you would probably feel uncomfortable to know what they say.
i keep quiet, but i wouldn’t count on that lasting forever if i were you.

Revenge Poem #11
stop writing erotic poetry about me, and i’ll stop writing revenge poetry about you.
what i actually mean is, you’d better stop if you know what’s good for you.
I can write thinly-disguised, pornographic poems too, you know.

Revenge Poem #12
maybe i can ask my bad-boy, tattooed, latino boyfriend to talk to you,
or find another way to persuade you,
whichever he prefers,
if you know what i mean.

Revenge Poem #13
i could put this poem up on facebook and friend you,
or i could send it to a zine and then just link to it,
that would be easier.

Revenge Poem #14
people don’t like your poetry as much as you think.